September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month

September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. Those of you who know me, have read my “About me section” or have been following my blog know that I lost my Mother to ovarian cancer when I was 18. She was only 49. We also lost my aunt to ovarian cancer when she was 52 and my great grandmother to ovarian cancer when she was 43. My Mother’s and aunt’s stories about their ovarian cancer diagnoses are very different. My aunt had been having severe stomach pain (especially after she ate), shooting pain down her legs and horrible periods for a while and went to see her doctor. He told her he thought the pain was caused from her high stress levels and to go home and do stress exercises. She eventually got a second opinion and they could actually feel the tumor before even running any tests. She was diagnosed at, age 50, with Stage IIIb ovarian cancer that was already on the liver. On the other side of the spectrum, my Mom found hers early. She was having very bad side pains that eventually made my Dad talk her into going to the ER. They thought it was her appendix and as they were in surgery, they found that one of her ovaries had gangrene (years before she had had her tubes tied). They took that ovary out, but left the other one in and when they performed pathology determined she had Stage II ovarian cancer. I was only 14 at the time and my Dad had been with her the entire time in the hospital and left to pick me and my sister up from school to bring us to see my Mom. During those 20-30 minutes (seriously, the hospital is just down the road from the schools), a doctor came into my Mom’s room and told her she had ovarian cancer and there was nothing he could do for her but make her comfortable for the next six months. My poor Mom! It had only been about 4 months since she lost her sister to the same disease and now she finds out she has it too. Luckily, my parents decided that doctor was a jerk and got a second opinion. I believe that is probably why she lived long enough to see me graduate from high school (about 4.5 years longer). I suppose she may have only had 6 months to live had she just assumed that doctor knew exactly what he was doing and had listened to him.

I wanted to share the details with you because ovarian cancer is known as the silent killer. Ovarian cancer survival rates are much lower than many other cancers that affect women. The symptoms that seem to be most associated with it can often be mistaken for other health issues, which in turn can contribute to a later stage diagnosis. To spread awareness of 4 main symptoms of ovarian cancer, several organizations, including the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance, the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition (NOCC), the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (OCRF) and the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation (GCF) have combined forces to spread the word, BEAT. BEAT stands for Bloating that is persistent, Eating less and feeling fuller, Abdominal pain, and Trouble with your bladder. Additional symptoms commonly reported include fatigue, indigestion, back pain, pain with intercourse, constipation and menstrual irregularities; however it is important to note that these occur at an equal rate in the normal population of women without ovarian cancer (http://www.ovariancancer.org/). A woman in the normal population has a lifetime risk of about 1.4% and women with a BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation have a lifetime risk ranging from 10-60% of developing ovarian cancer. The 5- and 10-year relative survival rates for ovarian cancer patients are 46% and 39%, respectively (http://www.ovariancancer.org/). The survival rates, of course, vary depending on the diagnosis stage. Although mortality rates for many cancers have decreased over the last 30 years, ovarian cancer mortality rates have remained unchanged. The Ovarian Cancer National Alliance has a wealth of information and statistics and also flyers to spread the word on BEAT (http://www.ovariancancer.org/).

The main message of this post is to please be aware of your body and trust that you know your body better than anyone else. Trust your instincts and be your own health advocate. Maybe spreading a little knowledge on known symptoms will one day help a woman get to her doctor a bit quicker than she normally would have. Please pay attention to your body, know your family history and stay persistent. Awareness and knowledge are power!

Oh and go teal this month! It’s the ovarian cancer awareness color. Check out Teal Toes!

Until next time, know and spread the word of BEAT, pay attention to your body, and stay healthy! :)

Exchange Surgery Aftermath

Today is 1 week and 1 day after my exchange surgery, which was on Thursday August 5th. It is amazing the difference between this surgery and the mastectomy surgery with reconstruction. I cannot believe it is only a week post surgery. This time I was able to raise my arms enough to get a shower on my own on Friday evening (the day after surgery!). Last time it was about a week before I could even sort of lift my arms enough to wash my own hair and even then I was bending my head down and it was difficult. This time I have not needed anything to help me sleep at night, I only took pain killers a couple times during the first couple of days. The pain is nothing compared to last time though. With the mastectomy surgery, as I’ve mentioned before, I had a lot of pain the first couple days. Not just from the sutures or stretching of my chest muscle from the expanders filled with 800cc, but I think the majority of pain those early days is from the removal of all of the breast tissue, probably from all of the nerves being cut. However, this time around there was no removal of any tissue; just incisions through the original incisions on the underside of each breast. The expanders were removed from the developed pockets made by stretching my chest muscle and also using alloderm. (Alloderm is a tissue matrix that is made from donated human skin and is stripped of all characteristics except the important structural components. It was used to help create a pocket for the implant. You can get more information on Alloderm here.) Anyway, my plastic surgeon (PS) removed the expander, replaced it with a silicone implant and she also did a little work to help move the “gals” a bit more toward the center instead of under my arms as they were between these two surgeries as I described previously. So, this time my sides are very tight from the internal stitches which are trying to maintain the pockets/implants where they should be. But really overall, I have not had very much pain overall and definitely no intense pain like last time. It has been a much easier surgery and recovery compared to the mastectomy.

Also, triumphantly, I had NO nausea this time around! Hooray! Some lovely ladies on BRCA Sisterhood on Facebook mentioned a nausea patch to me after I explained my terrible nausea following the mastectomy. I asked my PS and she ordered it during my preop appointment and I picked it up at the pharmacy. The patch was called a scopolamine transdermal patch that I placed behind my ear the morning of the surgery and wore for 72 hours. It was so wonderful to wake up and not feel like absolute crap! Supposedly my PS came and talked to me afterwards and I don’t remember that at all, even though my husband says I was talking, smiling and thanking people. :)

I am very thankful to my plastic surgeon and the anesthesiologist for their hard work. My PS did a wonderful job making my “foobs” look like natural breasts. I’m pretty sure if you didn’t know any better you would think they were natural and that’s not just with clothes on! However, if I’m being totally honest I am still trying to get used to them. I feel like they are smaller than my real breasts were and my PS must have felt so as well, because she said she would have liked to have put 1000cc implants in, however, silicone only goes up to 800cc. Oh well. I also sort of feel like they need to be over toward the middle a little bit more…you know how with natural breasts there is space between them, but then when you put them in a bra they push together a bit? Well, they probably look natural because of the space which is great, but they don’t really move...at least right now since I still have stitches and pain I haven’t exactly tried hard, but in any case I almost worry they look too far apart. Whatever. I’m sure it’s too soon to actually tell anything. I need to wait and see how they settle and what they look like in several months, so I guess I’m being too critical and picky, but that’s just kinda how I feel at the moment. Hope that’s not TMI, but just thought I’d share what I’m really feeling for those who may go through all of this at some point – trying to keep it as honest as I can!

Until next time, here’s to a quicker recovery, being healthy, and (tada!) silicone!! :)

Back on the Table

So, here it comes, the second big day. My exchange surgery is scheduled for Thursday August 5. To remind those of you unfamiliar with the process, this is the surgery where the plastic surgeon removes the expanders that are underneath my chest muscle and replaces them with the implants (silicone in my case). Some of the lovely ladies with BRCA Sisterhood on Facebook call it Operation Squishy Boobs. I love that! The expanders are very firm and are unmovable. They are not too tight or majorly uncomfortable right now for me because instead of sequential fills to slowly expand the expanders, my plastic surgeon added all 800cc right off the bat during the original surgery. So, I am fairly used to the extent to which my muscle is stretched. However, the silicone implants should feel more soft and pliable, hopefully a bit more natural. In addition, as I mentioned in my previous post right now my breasts are very uneven and under my underarms instead of towards the center of my chest as they should be. This is something else that the surgeon will take care of during the exchange surgery.

This surgery is going to be much less traumatic than the prophylactic double mastectomy with reconstruction surgery in April. For example, the surgery is going to be performed at the clinic closer to my house, as opposed to the larger clinic/hospital the initial surgery was done at. Also, the first surgery was about 6 hours long and this one is supposed to only be a couple of hours and then it is outpatient where I go home right after. I am sure I will still feel pretty beaten up, sore and tired, but nothing like how I felt after they took out all of my breast tissue from the bottom of my breasts to my collar bone. I will have lifting restrictions for 1-2 weeks, depending on how I am recovering. My plastic surgeon also told me it is a 50-50 chance of having drains, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that I get the 50% chance of NO drains! But I will deal with them of course if that’s what needs to happen. The drains, which I explained more here, are not the worst things ever, just a bit of a nuisance.

It is strange how fast this surgery snuck up on me. In some ways it felt like it was taking a long time to get here, but looking back the last 3+ months went by very fast! I was originally hoping to have the exchange surgery at the end of July, but then ended up having to wait for one part of the right side to finish healing. To explain, when I woke up from my original surgery I had a blue tattoo-looking area (if you put the tips of your thumb and forefinger together it was about the size of the space in between, just larger than a quarter). This was from the dye used to determine which sentinel lymph nodes to remove and it didn’t happen on my left side and I don’t think it is very common. My body did not take kindly to that dye and it stayed for weeks and then the top layer of skin finally started to peel, but then it turned into a thick scab. After a bit, the plastic surgeon removed the scab explaining that at a point it is doing more damage than good because water can get trapped underneath and bacteria start to grow. So, once she removed that scab I had a crater on my boob that was kinda gross and took forever to heal completely. Once it did heal about 2.5-3 weeks ago, my plastic surgeon felt comfortable with scheduling my exchange surgery. She wanted to give my skin a few weeks to be healed and give the scar a chance to shrink, etc. before she performed another surgery. Sorry if that was TMI, but I wanted to give an explanation for others who may find themselves in the same situation at some point.

So overall I am in good spirits. I am nervous, but less so than for the mastectomy. This time I already have a nausea patch that I asked my doctor to order since I had such a rough time with the anesthesia and medications last time…sensitive stomach! I am hoping I may actually be able to wake up from the anesthesia and feel well enough to even think about looking down at my chest as I have read about others doing! It is a relief to know that I am *hopefully* almost done with this portion of the prophylactic surgeries. If all goes well and I don’t need any revisions, I will be done with the breast portion and the ovaries will be next…when I’m 35.

I am very appreciative to all of my family and friends for all of their wonderful support throughout this BRCA experience. I have had such sensitive, kind responses to my decisions and I am so thankful for everyone. I am especially very grateful to my husband who has been truly amazing during, well, the entire time I’ve known him, which goes back to high school and being there for me during my Mom’s death. He is more than words can describe and I love him more deeply with each passing day!

Until next time, here’s to no more rocks on my chest, squishy boobs, and silicone!!! J

Boobs, Boobs, The Magical...Fruit?

Awww Boobs! Everywhere I go I see boobs! Thanks to the wonderfully warm (hot!) summertime weather, everyone is wearing tank tops, sleeveless shirts, summer dresses, bathing suits and any and all cleavage-baring clothes available. Now, I wasn’t one who flaunted her bosom prior to surgery, but boy how jealous I am right now that I can’t even wear a t-shirt, let alone a tank top! My “lovely” (NOT!) interim boobs, as I’ve called them before, are not even. So much so, that I cannot even where a regular old t-shirt because it is so noticeable. Lefty was the “normal” well-behaved side right after surgery. Minimal bruising, decent placement…and now is making a run for the border, like it’s migrating season for the birds! Not to mention it’s trying to make a hard turn left, so the “headlight” could say hi to you if you were sitting on my left side! Then there’s rightie! Oh, rightie…well, first rightie was pretty much directly under my chin where it felt like I could have rested my chin on it. Then, there was the blue dye (from the sentinel node biopsy) about the size of a large quarter, in more of an oval shape, that tattooed my skin just to the right of the nipple. This “tattoo” decided to start peeling, then scabbed, then the plastic surgeon removed the scab which created a crater, which has since been taking it’s suh-weet time healing. Just today, the last little pin hole finally filled in (Yay!), it only took it… ummmm about 3 months! So now, rightie is pretty much healed and besides being a bit too far under my armpit still, is in a somewhat decent position on my chest. However, the two put together under a t-shirt look ridiculous!

Needless to say, I’m jealous! I’m jealous of small boobs, big boobs, perky boobs, saggy boobs, bouncy boobs. Pretty much, any boobs, but mine! As one of my friends has mentioned – I have boob brain! I am wearing clothes to camouflage my unevenness. A shirt under a button-up shirt, shirts with something distracting to the eye, shirts that have coverage “frill” around the cleavage area, etc, etc. I would love to just wear a regular t-shirt or tank top! And I know, I know. This is only temporary and my plastic surgeon will fix everything and make it all look “normal” during my exchange surgery. My husband is so sweet and keeps reminding me that it’s only temporary. Yeah, yeah. :) That doesn’t help me right now when I go to my closet and try to find one of the 4 shirts that actually help conceal my dysfunctional chest!

I know I do not have to live with my step-like chest for too much longer. It is just frustrating at times. It’s not like my natural breasts were perfect. They were fairly saggy after breast-feeding two babies and were actually a tiny bit uneven themselves. However, they could be placed in a bra and viola! They looked pretty great in a shirt – if I do say so myself. Of course, that could just be elaborate fake memories I am giving myself to feel better? These imposters under my chest muscle do not budge. I am not allowed to wear an underwire bra, but pretty certain it wouldn’t do the trick anyway. A sports bra can tug lefty up a tiny bit, but not enough to get away with wearing a t-shirt. I even feel very self-conscious in, ahem, intimate moments with my husband.

On the other hand, being perfectly honest, things are actually moving along nicely. With rightie finally healed, my plastic surgeon said we could start the ball rolling on scheduling the exchange surgery. She wants a few weeks to keep an eye on the new scar, see how it shrinks, etc. The temporary boobs finally have an end in sight! *Sigh of relief!* My husband helps me remember how wonderful my plastic surgeon is and how I need to trust that she will do her job and make everything look great. I know, I am trying! That really is supposed to be her job, right? She has done a lot of breast reconstructions, following mastectomies. She doesn’t seem in the least bit concerned about my unevenness now and says she will fix all of that during the exchange. So, okay - I need to trust in her and be patient. I need to suck it up and deal with what I’ve got. It definitely could be a ton worse and I am so very lucky at how well things have gone so far, considering. I’ll just have to admire others seemingly perfect racks and believe that I will be back to looking “normal” soon, with a shirt on anyway.

Until next time, here’s to boobs, boobs and more boobs…oops I mean silicone! :)

A Chance to Give Back!

There have been several organizations that have been irreplaceable during my BRCA journey, including the BRCA Sisterhood (on Facebook), the Young Breast Cancer Survivor Group at my hospital and the FORCE (Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered) organization (http://www.facingourrisk.org/). FORCE is an organization that has been very helpful to me and my family during our BRCA journey. The FORCE community gives people a place to share and get support and information on hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. It is a community where others understand what you or your loved ones are going through. I have found it extremely helpful to learn more about what other women have been through and found it useful in preparing myself prior to my surgery. The message boards are a safe place to ask questions, talk about your fears and concerns and talk to women who have been through similar experiences. My city even has a FORCE support group that I have attended. They also have a yearly conference that involves experts in hereditary cancers, physicians, surgeons, and information on understanding your risks, surveillance, surgery, healthy living, support groups and so much more. It is a wonderful support base.

Okay, so this is really unlike me to ask others for something...but I have found the FORCE organization to be very helpful during my quest for answers and support during my BRCA journey. If they were to place high enough in the Chase Community Giving Campaign it would be very beneficial to many people. The FORCE website was one of the first places I went when I found out about my BRCA1+ status because my sister had already been going there for a few years. If you have a free minute, your vote would count and could help numerous people. Below is some information explaining the Chase Community Giving Campaign, more information about FORCE and how you could vote to help a wonderful organization. Voting really is quick and easy! Thank you so much for your support!

What is Chase Community Giving?

In a nutshell, Chase has a campaign on Facebook and is going to be giving away a total of $5 million dollars to be split between 200 charities. The charity with the most votes will receive $250K, 4 runner-ups will receive $100K, and 195 charities will receive $20K.

What is FORCE?

FORCE is the only national nonprofit organization dedicated to serving the needs of and improving the lives of individuals and families affected by hereditary breast and ovarian cancer (such as BRCA mutants like me!). They provide lifesaving information on the latest medical treatment and risk management, resources, and awareness.

Voting on Facebook starts June 15, 2010 and 200 winning charities will be announced on July 13, 2010.

What would FORCE do with the money if they won?

For starters:
$1,000 delivers the latest in BRCA research and information to 500 families.
$500 gives 60,000 visitors access to their website for one month.
$300 provides a scholarship to FORCE’s annual conference to one person that could not otherwise attend.

$200 provides life-saving information to 100 people through their newsletter.
$100 provides phone-based support and resources via the Helpline for one month.
$50 provides a package of informational brochures to doctor’s offices and hospitals.

Just think – if $2250 can do all of that – how much good could be done even if we only place among the bottom 195, and win the lowest amount of $20,000! That’s a whole lot of help, to a whole lot of people!

FORCE’s MISSION

“To improve the lives of individuals and families affected by hereditary breast and ovarian cancer.”

To this end, FORCE has eight mission objectives:

• To provide women with resources to determine whether they are at high risk for breast and ovarian cancer due to genetic predisposition, family history, or other factors.
• To provide information about options for managing and living with these risk factors.
• To provide support for women as they pursue these options.
• To provide support for families facing these risks.
• To raise awareness of hereditary breast and ovarian cancer.
• To represent the concerns and interests of our high-risk constituency to the cancer advocacy community, the scientific and medical community, the legislative community, and the general public.
• To promote research specific to hereditary cancer.
• To reduce disparities among under-served populations by promoting access to information, resources and clinical trials specific to hereditary breast and ovarian cancer.

Why is all of this important? As someone who has a BRCA genetic mutation, having an organization like FORCE on my side is invaluable. Without knowledge of what these genetic mutations mean, people can and do die from hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. Spreading information saves lives, and provides much needed peace of mind, education, and emotional support for those of us afflicted with this mutation.

If you are on Facebook then it’s very simple to vote. First click here:

The next step is to join the movement by scrolling down just a little bit on the page & clicking the ‘Like’ button.

Next step: Click the big green ‘Search’ button and copy this text: Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered and paste it in the box that says ‘Charity Name.’

Click the big blue ‘Search’ button to the right of that.

After you click that, you’ll see Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered in blue lettering. Click it.

Scroll down & check the box that says: “Please display my name and profile picture below so this charity knows it can contact me to get more involved.”

Click submit. A ‘Request for Permission’ box will pop up. Click ‘Allow’.

Vote – and share with your friends, and ask them to share with their friends, and so on.

I really appreciate your consideration in voting for FORCE. Although you are only able to vote for each organization one time, you have 20 votes total, so you can look at helping other organizations close to your heart as well! Thank you very much to anyone who is able to vote! I really appreciate your support! :)

Until next time, here’s to FORCE, Chase Community Giving and silicone!

One Sweet Day

The other day I was driving alone in the car (believe me that isn’t common these days!) and a song came on the radio, “One Sweet Day” sung by Mariah Carey. If you’re my husband you’ll probably roll your eyes and make a fake gagging sound even just having to think about that song. But for a few reasons this song has some sentimental and emotional ties for me that pull my thoughts back to a different time in my life. To set the stage, during the last year of my Mom’s life, my Dad traveled a lot for work. He wasn’t usually gone for too long, but when he went out of town it was just me and my Mom. After her work and my school (I was in my senior year of high school) she would come up with a reason we needed to go to the mall and then we would eat dinner at Ruby Tuesday (we didn’t have lots of options in our small town :), plus, she loved getting the salad bar and baked potato or soup!). One of the times we were there for dinner, “One Sweet Day” came on in the restaurant. It wasn’t like it was playing all that loud, but it was enough for me to hear all of the words to the song and for some reason my head starting thinking not happy thoughts. Some parts of the song that hit me were: “had I imagined living without your smile…and I know you’re shining down on me from heaven…and I know some day that we will be together, one sweet day…” These pieces of the song made me start thinking “What if?” What if I actually lose Mom? I honestly can’t imagine living without her smile and hugs. Someday soon will I have to think about her looking down on me from heaven and look forward to the day I get to be with her again? I can’t live without her – what would I do without her? I could already feel an ache in my heart just letting these thoughts breach my conscious.

Now although I was very responsible and acted fairly grown up for my age (remember I had been seeing my Mom go through hell, be sick, taken her to chemos, etc…since I was 14) I was not in the grown up stage of mind thinking that it was a possibility that my Mom could actually die. I was, in fact, very naïve, super optimistic and always looking through rose colored glasses so to speak. I was this way until right before she died. As a perfect example: I wasn’t the type to talk back to my Dad and during those last few days of my Mom’s life, I remember him nicely trying to tell me I might want to start preparing myself. And I raised my voice a bit at him and said “No, Dad, no. Mom is not going to die.” I was in denial. I was only 18 years old and how else could I think? So these unhappy thoughts crossing my mind were unusual and scary and made me feel like a bad person for even letting them slither their darkness through my mind.

Several months after letting that song leave a permanent wound in my heart, those dark thoughts became reality. Ever since, when I hear “One Sweet Day” I tear up and cry, sometimes even bawl if I’m alone. It reminds me of how much I truly miss Mom and how I was eating dinner with her when I heard this song and had thoughts of “what if”. I think about how much I wish I could see her smile again (in real life, not just a picture) and how I hope she is proud of me and is the one in heaven with the biggest smile. [She told me at my high school graduation that she would be easy to spot because she would be the one with the biggest smile. :)] However, the other day in the car when the song came on…I didn’t cry. I didn’t even tear up or feel those awful feelings of loneliness and aches in my heart. When I realized what was, or I guess wasn’t happening, I felt a sense of peace. It was kind of surreal. I’m not saying that I expect to never again cry during this song. I’m just saying that it was comforting and maybe the wound in my heart has actually healed itself a tiny bit knowing I am doing everything in my power to avoid the same demise as my Mother. For me, it was a triumph, no matter how trivial.

Until next time, here’s to finding peace, triumphs and silicone.

One Foot on the Other Side

Wow, sorry I’ve been MIA lately. It’s been weird since my surgery…my brain still feels a bit muddy. I don’t feel like I am remembering things all that great – although I didn’t forget my son’s birthday last weekend so that’s a start. I think my brain gets messed up easily with hormone changes. During and since my pregnancies I have noticed an inability to remember things as easily as I used to. Since my surgery I have felt a bit like that. I bought a new book prior to my surgery figuring I would have lots of time to read, except I haven’t really felt like reading and have only read about 80 pages of my book. It’s not something I was expecting to affect me following surgery. Hopefully it gets better and goes away soon. Needless to say, I haven’t exactly been able to wrap my brain around what to write about in my next blog. So, I decided to write about some of the issues that have been on my mind post surgery.

So technically I have one foot on the other side. I have my initial surgery behind me, but still have my exchange surgery yet to come. As a reminder, that’s the surgery that involves going back through the original incision site, removing my expanders and replacing them with silicone implants. It won’t be for another couple months still. One of the strangest things is to have the mastectomy finished. What I mean by that is that this was a long time coming. I found out about my BRCA1 mutation in April 2008 and from that moment on, I pretty much knew at some point I would be having a mastectomy. But I gave myself time. Time to think, ponder, research, discuss, soul search…you name it. So it’s different to be on the other side of things. Now instead of - I’m going to have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy because my breast cancer risk is almost 90%; it’s, I had a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy to reduce my risk of breast cancer to below normal population. “I’ve had a mastectomy.” Those words are still a bit awkward coming off my tongue. Not that I have any regrets, just that it’s almost surreal that all of this has already taken place. Prior to surgery everything feels like a huge waiting game. Waiting to see if you are positive for a mutation, waiting to discuss options with surgeons, scheduling appointment after appointment (whether for information, check-ups or preventative screenings), making well-informed thought out decisions, scheduling the surgery and then w a i t i n g for the surgery date to finally come. Now that the mastectomy is behind me, I can move forward with my life without constantly waiting for that breast cancer diagnosis.

It’s a very strange feeling physically, as well. I told my husband about two weeks post-op that it would be nice when I didn’t always “feel” my boobs. The expanders are behind my pectoral muscle stretching it in order to create a pocket for an implant to eventually sit. So the key word here is stretching. My PS apparently filled my expanders to the whopping 800cc that I was planning on being filled up to when all of my fills were complete. Normally, the expander is filled a bit during the initial surgery (my PS had originally said maybe she would be able to get 400cc or so in them at first) and then slowly filled every few weeks with usually 50-100cc each time. I guess since I did a skin-nipple-sparing surgery she wanted to fill out as much as she thought my muscle could take. Possibly in order to maintain the skin and not have it shrink and cause wrinkling and dimpling. Whatever the thought process, I am filled. There is a constant tightness and pulling on my chest, so I am always aware it’s there. It’s not something I could have imagined prior to the surgery. The expanders are also very hard themselves, so underneath a muscle and stretching it to its max makes the outer “interim” boobs feel solid, not soft and squishy like natural breasts. And it’s just a strange feeling. As my sweet husband keeps reminding me – it’s only temporary - at least the strange hardness, unevenness and outer “damage” that should be fixed by or healed before the exchange surgery.

I knew heading into this whole experience there would be unexpected outcomes, speed bumps, changes of plans and emotional and physical changes. However, everything I have to go through now is so worth what I am gaining – My LIFE. I can look toward the future and not feel like I am constantly waiting for a breast cancer diagnosis. I can know that I did everything in my power to protect myself from having to battle this terrible disease as so many brave, courageous women do. I constantly repeat back to myself the words my husband said to me right after my surgery, “You just saved your life.” He’s amazing and I love him so deeply for being my soul mate and knowing exactly how to help me through anything.

Here’s to a clear head, looking towards the future and silicone!