Thursday, July 15, 2010

Boobs, Boobs, The Magical...Fruit?

Awww Boobs! Everywhere I go I see boobs! Thanks to the wonderfully warm (hot!) summertime weather, everyone is wearing tank tops, sleeveless shirts, summer dresses, bathing suits and any and all cleavage-baring clothes available. Now, I wasn’t one who flaunted her bosom prior to surgery, but boy how jealous I am right now that I can’t even wear a t-shirt, let alone a tank top! My “lovely” (NOT!) interim boobs, as I’ve called them before, are not even. So much so, that I cannot even where a regular old t-shirt because it is so noticeable. Lefty was the “normal” well-behaved side right after surgery. Minimal bruising, decent placement…and now is making a run for the border, like it’s migrating season for the birds! Not to mention it’s trying to make a hard turn left, so the “headlight” could say hi to you if you were sitting on my left side! Then there’s rightie! Oh, rightie…well, first rightie was pretty much directly under my chin where it felt like I could have rested my chin on it. Then, there was the blue dye (from the sentinel node biopsy) about the size of a large quarter, in more of an oval shape, that tattooed my skin just to the right of the nipple. This “tattoo” decided to start peeling, then scabbed, then the plastic surgeon removed the scab which created a crater, which has since been taking it’s suh-weet time healing. Just today, the last little pin hole finally filled in (Yay!), it only took it… ummmm about 3 months! So now, rightie is pretty much healed and besides being a bit too far under my armpit still, is in a somewhat decent position on my chest. However, the two put together under a t-shirt look ridiculous!

Needless to say, I’m jealous! I’m jealous of small boobs, big boobs, perky boobs, saggy boobs, bouncy boobs. Pretty much, any boobs, but mine! As one of my friends has mentioned – I have boob brain! I am wearing clothes to camouflage my unevenness. A shirt under a button-up shirt, shirts with something distracting to the eye, shirts that have coverage “frill” around the cleavage area, etc, etc. I would love to just wear a regular t-shirt or tank top! And I know, I know. This is only temporary and my plastic surgeon will fix everything and make it all look “normal” during my exchange surgery. My husband is so sweet and keeps reminding me that it’s only temporary. Yeah, yeah. :) That doesn’t help me right now when I go to my closet and try to find one of the 4 shirts that actually help conceal my dysfunctional chest!

I know I do not have to live with my step-like chest for too much longer. It is just frustrating at times. It’s not like my natural breasts were perfect. They were fairly saggy after breast-feeding two babies and were actually a tiny bit uneven themselves. However, they could be placed in a bra and viola! They looked pretty great in a shirt – if I do say so myself. Of course, that could just be elaborate fake memories I am giving myself to feel better? These imposters under my chest muscle do not budge. I am not allowed to wear an underwire bra, but pretty certain it wouldn’t do the trick anyway. A sports bra can tug lefty up a tiny bit, but not enough to get away with wearing a t-shirt. I even feel very self-conscious in, ahem, intimate moments with my husband.

On the other hand, being perfectly honest, things are actually moving along nicely. With rightie finally healed, my plastic surgeon said we could start the ball rolling on scheduling the exchange surgery. She wants a few weeks to keep an eye on the new scar, see how it shrinks, etc. The temporary boobs finally have an end in sight! *Sigh of relief!* My husband helps me remember how wonderful my plastic surgeon is and how I need to trust that she will do her job and make everything look great. I know, I am trying! That really is supposed to be her job, right? She has done a lot of breast reconstructions, following mastectomies. She doesn’t seem in the least bit concerned about my unevenness now and says she will fix all of that during the exchange. So, okay - I need to trust in her and be patient. I need to suck it up and deal with what I’ve got. It definitely could be a ton worse and I am so very lucky at how well things have gone so far, considering. I’ll just have to admire others seemingly perfect racks and believe that I will be back to looking “normal” soon, with a shirt on anyway.

Until next time, here’s to boobs, boobs and more boobs…oops I mean silicone! :)