Thursday, July 15, 2010

Boobs, Boobs, The Magical...Fruit?

Awww Boobs! Everywhere I go I see boobs! Thanks to the wonderfully warm (hot!) summertime weather, everyone is wearing tank tops, sleeveless shirts, summer dresses, bathing suits and any and all cleavage-baring clothes available. Now, I wasn’t one who flaunted her bosom prior to surgery, but boy how jealous I am right now that I can’t even wear a t-shirt, let alone a tank top! My “lovely” (NOT!) interim boobs, as I’ve called them before, are not even. So much so, that I cannot even where a regular old t-shirt because it is so noticeable. Lefty was the “normal” well-behaved side right after surgery. Minimal bruising, decent placement…and now is making a run for the border, like it’s migrating season for the birds! Not to mention it’s trying to make a hard turn left, so the “headlight” could say hi to you if you were sitting on my left side! Then there’s rightie! Oh, rightie…well, first rightie was pretty much directly under my chin where it felt like I could have rested my chin on it. Then, there was the blue dye (from the sentinel node biopsy) about the size of a large quarter, in more of an oval shape, that tattooed my skin just to the right of the nipple. This “tattoo” decided to start peeling, then scabbed, then the plastic surgeon removed the scab which created a crater, which has since been taking it’s suh-weet time healing. Just today, the last little pin hole finally filled in (Yay!), it only took it… ummmm about 3 months! So now, rightie is pretty much healed and besides being a bit too far under my armpit still, is in a somewhat decent position on my chest. However, the two put together under a t-shirt look ridiculous!

Needless to say, I’m jealous! I’m jealous of small boobs, big boobs, perky boobs, saggy boobs, bouncy boobs. Pretty much, any boobs, but mine! As one of my friends has mentioned – I have boob brain! I am wearing clothes to camouflage my unevenness. A shirt under a button-up shirt, shirts with something distracting to the eye, shirts that have coverage “frill” around the cleavage area, etc, etc. I would love to just wear a regular t-shirt or tank top! And I know, I know. This is only temporary and my plastic surgeon will fix everything and make it all look “normal” during my exchange surgery. My husband is so sweet and keeps reminding me that it’s only temporary. Yeah, yeah. :) That doesn’t help me right now when I go to my closet and try to find one of the 4 shirts that actually help conceal my dysfunctional chest!

I know I do not have to live with my step-like chest for too much longer. It is just frustrating at times. It’s not like my natural breasts were perfect. They were fairly saggy after breast-feeding two babies and were actually a tiny bit uneven themselves. However, they could be placed in a bra and viola! They looked pretty great in a shirt – if I do say so myself. Of course, that could just be elaborate fake memories I am giving myself to feel better? These imposters under my chest muscle do not budge. I am not allowed to wear an underwire bra, but pretty certain it wouldn’t do the trick anyway. A sports bra can tug lefty up a tiny bit, but not enough to get away with wearing a t-shirt. I even feel very self-conscious in, ahem, intimate moments with my husband.

On the other hand, being perfectly honest, things are actually moving along nicely. With rightie finally healed, my plastic surgeon said we could start the ball rolling on scheduling the exchange surgery. She wants a few weeks to keep an eye on the new scar, see how it shrinks, etc. The temporary boobs finally have an end in sight! *Sigh of relief!* My husband helps me remember how wonderful my plastic surgeon is and how I need to trust that she will do her job and make everything look great. I know, I am trying! That really is supposed to be her job, right? She has done a lot of breast reconstructions, following mastectomies. She doesn’t seem in the least bit concerned about my unevenness now and says she will fix all of that during the exchange. So, okay - I need to trust in her and be patient. I need to suck it up and deal with what I’ve got. It definitely could be a ton worse and I am so very lucky at how well things have gone so far, considering. I’ll just have to admire others seemingly perfect racks and believe that I will be back to looking “normal” soon, with a shirt on anyway.

Until next time, here’s to boobs, boobs and more boobs…oops I mean silicone! :)


  1. You know I can relate to this post. Some BRCA sisters wear t-shirts that say "Pardon our appearance, we are under construction!" Maybe you should get one of those! lol

    You're right - it's only temporary, which is what I've been reminding myself of constantly!

    Soon enough you'll get there!


  2. Teri,

    I definitely know you can relate. I'm so sorry that you can. I love that saying for the shirt! I need one of those! lol

    Soon enough we'll both get there! :)


  3. Trace,
    I am glad that you can find some humor in your latest life venture. I would have never pegged you for "boob envy". I am so glad you have Jeff by your side during this trying time in your life. Thinking of you often...
    Love ya,

  4. I liked what Stefanie said about you finding some humor during this phase of your journey. I like to reread the 'about me' part, Tracey. Your mother, Mary, was my sister. I was 9 when our mother, Dorothy, died following a five year fight with breast cancer. The youngest of her ten children, Margaret, was 4 yrs. old.

    Thankfully, I tested negative for the BRCA1 gene mutation last November. As ready as I was to go through what you are now experiencing; I was NOT ready for my autistic 31 year old daughter Mary to endure this. I am thankful that you have a loving family to support you during this experience. I am proud that you have chosen to fight this monster. My thoughts and prayers are with you every hour and every day.

  5. you're cracking me up. what a cute post. (about what i know isn't a super fun thing to be going through, but at least it is temporary). i look forward to reading a triumphant "my boobs are awesome and look really hot" post sometime in the future. :)

  6. Stef,

    Yeah, I would have never pegged myself for boob envy either! lol It's just strange now - I was pretty content with my natural breasts, even after breastfeeding two babies, so I never really thought too much about other's chests!

    I am so blessed to have Jeff by my side! He is amazing! Thank you for always being so supportive of me! Love you!


  7. Aunt Chrissy,

    Thanks so much for reading! I know you guys lost grandma so young - cancer sucks. But I think it is amazing how very close all of you are now! I love that!

    I am so glad you tested negative for the mutation and definitely that you also now don't have to worry for Mary either. I know that was a huge sigh of relief to you. Thank you for your support and prayers! Love you bunches!


  8. Kirstin,

    Lol! You are cracking ME up! Thanks for making me laugh and smile! I truly hope that maybe in the future I can do a post on how awesome my new boobs are! You are so cute! Love ya!