Thursday, June 17, 2010

One Sweet Day

The other day I was driving alone in the car (believe me that isn’t common these days!) and a song came on the radio, “One Sweet Day” sung by Mariah Carey. If you’re my husband you’ll probably roll your eyes and make a fake gagging sound even just having to think about that song. But for a few reasons this song has some sentimental and emotional ties for me that pull my thoughts back to a different time in my life. To set the stage, during the last year of my Mom’s life, my Dad traveled a lot for work. He wasn’t usually gone for too long, but when he went out of town it was just me and my Mom. After her work and my school (I was in my senior year of high school) she would come up with a reason we needed to go to the mall and then we would eat dinner at Ruby Tuesday (we didn’t have lots of options in our small town :), plus, she loved getting the salad bar and baked potato or soup!). One of the times we were there for dinner, “One Sweet Day” came on in the restaurant. It wasn’t like it was playing all that loud, but it was enough for me to hear all of the words to the song and for some reason my head starting thinking not happy thoughts. Some parts of the song that hit me were: “had I imagined living without your smile…and I know you’re shining down on me from heaven…and I know some day that we will be together, one sweet day…” These pieces of the song made me start thinking “What if?” What if I actually lose Mom? I honestly can’t imagine living without her smile and hugs. Someday soon will I have to think about her looking down on me from heaven and look forward to the day I get to be with her again? I can’t live without her – what would I do without her? I could already feel an ache in my heart just letting these thoughts breach my conscious.

Now although I was very responsible and acted fairly grown up for my age (remember I had been seeing my Mom go through hell, be sick, taken her to chemos, etc…since I was 14) I was not in the grown up stage of mind thinking that it was a possibility that my Mom could actually die. I was, in fact, very naïve, super optimistic and always looking through rose colored glasses so to speak. I was this way until right before she died. As a perfect example: I wasn’t the type to talk back to my Dad and during those last few days of my Mom’s life, I remember him nicely trying to tell me I might want to start preparing myself. And I raised my voice a bit at him and said “No, Dad, no. Mom is not going to die.” I was in denial. I was only 18 years old and how else could I think? So these unhappy thoughts crossing my mind were unusual and scary and made me feel like a bad person for even letting them slither their darkness through my mind.

Several months after letting that song leave a permanent wound in my heart, those dark thoughts became reality. Ever since, when I hear “One Sweet Day” I tear up and cry, sometimes even bawl if I’m alone. It reminds me of how much I truly miss Mom and how I was eating dinner with her when I heard this song and had thoughts of “what if”. I think about how much I wish I could see her smile again (in real life, not just a picture) and how I hope she is proud of me and is the one in heaven with the biggest smile. [She told me at my high school graduation that she would be easy to spot because she would be the one with the biggest smile. :)] However, the other day in the car when the song came on…I didn’t cry. I didn’t even tear up or feel those awful feelings of loneliness and aches in my heart. When I realized what was, or I guess wasn’t happening, I felt a sense of peace. It was kind of surreal. I’m not saying that I expect to never again cry during this song. I’m just saying that it was comforting and maybe the wound in my heart has actually healed itself a tiny bit knowing I am doing everything in my power to avoid the same demise as my Mother. For me, it was a triumph, no matter how trivial.

Until next time, here’s to finding peace, triumphs and silicone.


  1. That's so sad, Tracy. Your mother was very lucky to have such a loving daughter. How wonderful it is that you are going to be able to avoid that fate so that when your children hear that song, it'll just be a song. (((hugs)))

  2. Beautiful Tracy, it made me tear up. And I love your motto "BRCA be DAMNED!"


  3. Teri, Thanks so much for always reading! I really appreciate your kind words - it's nice to have a sense of peace, no matter how small :). Hope you are doing well! Hugs back to you!

  4. Joi, Thanks for reading! Sorry about making you tear was another one of my sad posts. It really helps to share feelings about my mother and everyone is always so supportive. I'm glad you like my motto - it felt a bit daring to me to put it out there in words! Thanks so much! :)