Well, I’m not meaning to post another sad blog, but there are some things I have been thinking about in order to prepare for surgery that aren’t exactly “happy thoughts”. Let me preface this by saying that I’m honestly not thinking the worst. However, I am also trying to make sure I have all of my bases covered. Hang in there with me; I promise the post finishes on a strong note! First, my husband and I have been thinking about paperwork stuff that needs to be taken care of prior to my surgery. Things such as, making sure we have enough life insurance and preparing a will. We haven’t started the will yet…actually it’s really something we should already have taken care of, but it’s not really one of those “fun” things to think about. Discussing crappy things like if both my husband and I were to die what would happen to our boys? Or if something were to happen during surgery that left me on life support, or brain dead, or… crappy, crappy, crappy…
Although the surgery preparation has been going on for months, it quickly became even more “real” a few weeks ago, with a conversation between my husband and I. I, of course, waited for the most appropriate time and place to share some of my thoughts with him…not. We were in a restaurant eating dinner with the boys, and when I was sure the boys weren’t paying attention to us, I asked him if he thought I should write letters to the boys, just in case something were to happen during surgery. I know, that seems like a dumb time to ask, but when is it ever a “good” time to ask a sad question like that? So I figured at least I would get the question out and off of my chest. Needless to say we both got too choked up to actually continue the conversation in the middle of the restaurant. It surprised me how asking the question out loud was more difficult than I expected. I had considered writing them letters for quite a while, but actually asking the question triggered more emotion than I could have ever anticipated.
Since then I have really been putting off writing the letters. I couldn’t even think of where to start. My guys are so little that I wasn’t sure what to write about. They are only 3 and 5 (well 6 next month) and I haven’t had the chance to see them grow up into young men or have tons of accomplishments that they would actually remember. If something were to happen now, would they even remember me? My oldest would have a few memories and my 3 year old probably only a couple. I mean when you think back on your life, how many memories do you actually have from when you were 3? Or 5? I don’t have enough memories from when I was those ages to feel satisfied with what the boys would, or rather wouldn’t, remember about me. But in reality this isn’t for me. It is for my sweet, silly boys. I wrote the letters yesterday and it was not as bad as I anticipated it to be. I wrote to them separately and I wrote about all of the wonderful traits they already have. For instance, how my older son is so sweet and caring towards others. The other day at the park he saw a little girl crying and asked her what was wrong, but she didn’t answer him. He didn’t know what to do so he told me a little girl was crying over by the climbing wall and he didn’t know what was wrong with her. I walked over there with him and we made sure she was ok and after that he asked her if she would like to play soccer with him and his new soccer ball. He is so thoughtful. My younger son is just so silly and sweet. First, he always picks me flowers. If he sees a flower, usually the dandelions that grow in our grass, he darts for it, picks it and says, “Pretty flower for Mommy!” He also loves being silly. If he does something that makes my husband and I crack-up, he just keeps at it to make us laugh even harder and longer! The other thing about both of them is that they are both soooo much like my husband and I in the sense of humor department. My husband and I are both VERY sarcastic and crack jokes to each other and the boys all of the time. We all like to act silly and make each other laugh! Those are such wonderful times when we are all laughing so hard! I SO LOVE my boys (all 3, my husband too!)!
So instead of making the letters sad, I made them about the boys and how truly amazing they are already. I told them stories like the ones mentioned above and others to let them see themselves through my eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those moms who thinks her boys do no wrong and everything is always hunky-dory. But now is not the time to focus on how hard and frustrating being a mom can be at times. I am actually very proud of myself for finally writing the letters and for giving the boys a glimpse of themselves through their mother’s eyes at these wonderful ages. That is, of course, only if the letters are even needed. As I said earlier, that is not something I am really considering. If I thought my risk of dying from this surgery was great I would never even consider it. I mean, duh! I am doing this to save my life and spend a long and healthy life with my husband and boys. I WILL live to be over 50 years old, unlike my mother, my grandmother and my great-grandmother! So even though some tough things had to be thought about and talked through recently, in the end this is a positive decision for myself and my family.
My surgery is a week from today and this time next week I will be in my hospital room finally done (well more like started! It’s still a long process, but you get the point). I am still nervous about the surgery, how I will handle the pain, being able to let everyone else do all the things I usually take care of, what the results will be like, etc, etc. But I am ready.
Until next time, here’s to memories, silliness and silicone!