A Chance to Give Back!

There have been several organizations that have been irreplaceable during my BRCA journey, including the BRCA Sisterhood (on Facebook), the Young Breast Cancer Survivor Group at my hospital and the FORCE (Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered) organization (http://www.facingourrisk.org/). FORCE is an organization that has been very helpful to me and my family during our BRCA journey. The FORCE community gives people a place to share and get support and information on hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. It is a community where others understand what you or your loved ones are going through. I have found it extremely helpful to learn more about what other women have been through and found it useful in preparing myself prior to my surgery. The message boards are a safe place to ask questions, talk about your fears and concerns and talk to women who have been through similar experiences. My city even has a FORCE support group that I have attended. They also have a yearly conference that involves experts in hereditary cancers, physicians, surgeons, and information on understanding your risks, surveillance, surgery, healthy living, support groups and so much more. It is a wonderful support base.

Okay, so this is really unlike me to ask others for something...but I have found the FORCE organization to be very helpful during my quest for answers and support during my BRCA journey. If they were to place high enough in the Chase Community Giving Campaign it would be very beneficial to many people. The FORCE website was one of the first places I went when I found out about my BRCA1+ status because my sister had already been going there for a few years. If you have a free minute, your vote would count and could help numerous people. Below is some information explaining the Chase Community Giving Campaign, more information about FORCE and how you could vote to help a wonderful organization. Voting really is quick and easy! Thank you so much for your support!

What is Chase Community Giving?

In a nutshell, Chase has a campaign on Facebook and is going to be giving away a total of $5 million dollars to be split between 200 charities. The charity with the most votes will receive $250K, 4 runner-ups will receive $100K, and 195 charities will receive $20K.

What is FORCE?

FORCE is the only national nonprofit organization dedicated to serving the needs of and improving the lives of individuals and families affected by hereditary breast and ovarian cancer (such as BRCA mutants like me!). They provide lifesaving information on the latest medical treatment and risk management, resources, and awareness.

Voting on Facebook starts June 15, 2010 and 200 winning charities will be announced on July 13, 2010.

What would FORCE do with the money if they won?

For starters:
$1,000 delivers the latest in BRCA research and information to 500 families.
$500 gives 60,000 visitors access to their website for one month.
$300 provides a scholarship to FORCE’s annual conference to one person that could not otherwise attend.

$200 provides life-saving information to 100 people through their newsletter.
$100 provides phone-based support and resources via the Helpline for one month.
$50 provides a package of informational brochures to doctor’s offices and hospitals.

Just think – if $2250 can do all of that – how much good could be done even if we only place among the bottom 195, and win the lowest amount of $20,000! That’s a whole lot of help, to a whole lot of people!

FORCE’s MISSION

“To improve the lives of individuals and families affected by hereditary breast and ovarian cancer.”

To this end, FORCE has eight mission objectives:

• To provide women with resources to determine whether they are at high risk for breast and ovarian cancer due to genetic predisposition, family history, or other factors.
• To provide information about options for managing and living with these risk factors.
• To provide support for women as they pursue these options.
• To provide support for families facing these risks.
• To raise awareness of hereditary breast and ovarian cancer.
• To represent the concerns and interests of our high-risk constituency to the cancer advocacy community, the scientific and medical community, the legislative community, and the general public.
• To promote research specific to hereditary cancer.
• To reduce disparities among under-served populations by promoting access to information, resources and clinical trials specific to hereditary breast and ovarian cancer.

Why is all of this important? As someone who has a BRCA genetic mutation, having an organization like FORCE on my side is invaluable. Without knowledge of what these genetic mutations mean, people can and do die from hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. Spreading information saves lives, and provides much needed peace of mind, education, and emotional support for those of us afflicted with this mutation.

If you are on Facebook then it’s very simple to vote. First click here:

The next step is to join the movement by scrolling down just a little bit on the page & clicking the ‘Like’ button.

Next step: Click the big green ‘Search’ button and copy this text: Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered and paste it in the box that says ‘Charity Name.’

Click the big blue ‘Search’ button to the right of that.

After you click that, you’ll see Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered in blue lettering. Click it.

Scroll down & check the box that says: “Please display my name and profile picture below so this charity knows it can contact me to get more involved.”

Click submit. A ‘Request for Permission’ box will pop up. Click ‘Allow’.

Vote – and share with your friends, and ask them to share with their friends, and so on.

I really appreciate your consideration in voting for FORCE. Although you are only able to vote for each organization one time, you have 20 votes total, so you can look at helping other organizations close to your heart as well! Thank you very much to anyone who is able to vote! I really appreciate your support! :)

Until next time, here’s to FORCE, Chase Community Giving and silicone!

One Sweet Day

The other day I was driving alone in the car (believe me that isn’t common these days!) and a song came on the radio, “One Sweet Day” sung by Mariah Carey. If you’re my husband you’ll probably roll your eyes and make a fake gagging sound even just having to think about that song. But for a few reasons this song has some sentimental and emotional ties for me that pull my thoughts back to a different time in my life. To set the stage, during the last year of my Mom’s life, my Dad traveled a lot for work. He wasn’t usually gone for too long, but when he went out of town it was just me and my Mom. After her work and my school (I was in my senior year of high school) she would come up with a reason we needed to go to the mall and then we would eat dinner at Ruby Tuesday (we didn’t have lots of options in our small town :), plus, she loved getting the salad bar and baked potato or soup!). One of the times we were there for dinner, “One Sweet Day” came on in the restaurant. It wasn’t like it was playing all that loud, but it was enough for me to hear all of the words to the song and for some reason my head starting thinking not happy thoughts. Some parts of the song that hit me were: “had I imagined living without your smile…and I know you’re shining down on me from heaven…and I know some day that we will be together, one sweet day…” These pieces of the song made me start thinking “What if?” What if I actually lose Mom? I honestly can’t imagine living without her smile and hugs. Someday soon will I have to think about her looking down on me from heaven and look forward to the day I get to be with her again? I can’t live without her – what would I do without her? I could already feel an ache in my heart just letting these thoughts breach my conscious.

Now although I was very responsible and acted fairly grown up for my age (remember I had been seeing my Mom go through hell, be sick, taken her to chemos, etc…since I was 14) I was not in the grown up stage of mind thinking that it was a possibility that my Mom could actually die. I was, in fact, very naïve, super optimistic and always looking through rose colored glasses so to speak. I was this way until right before she died. As a perfect example: I wasn’t the type to talk back to my Dad and during those last few days of my Mom’s life, I remember him nicely trying to tell me I might want to start preparing myself. And I raised my voice a bit at him and said “No, Dad, no. Mom is not going to die.” I was in denial. I was only 18 years old and how else could I think? So these unhappy thoughts crossing my mind were unusual and scary and made me feel like a bad person for even letting them slither their darkness through my mind.

Several months after letting that song leave a permanent wound in my heart, those dark thoughts became reality. Ever since, when I hear “One Sweet Day” I tear up and cry, sometimes even bawl if I’m alone. It reminds me of how much I truly miss Mom and how I was eating dinner with her when I heard this song and had thoughts of “what if”. I think about how much I wish I could see her smile again (in real life, not just a picture) and how I hope she is proud of me and is the one in heaven with the biggest smile. [She told me at my high school graduation that she would be easy to spot because she would be the one with the biggest smile. :)] However, the other day in the car when the song came on…I didn’t cry. I didn’t even tear up or feel those awful feelings of loneliness and aches in my heart. When I realized what was, or I guess wasn’t happening, I felt a sense of peace. It was kind of surreal. I’m not saying that I expect to never again cry during this song. I’m just saying that it was comforting and maybe the wound in my heart has actually healed itself a tiny bit knowing I am doing everything in my power to avoid the same demise as my Mother. For me, it was a triumph, no matter how trivial.

Until next time, here’s to finding peace, triumphs and silicone.

One Foot on the Other Side

Wow, sorry I’ve been MIA lately. It’s been weird since my surgery…my brain still feels a bit muddy. I don’t feel like I am remembering things all that great – although I didn’t forget my son’s birthday last weekend so that’s a start. I think my brain gets messed up easily with hormone changes. During and since my pregnancies I have noticed an inability to remember things as easily as I used to. Since my surgery I have felt a bit like that. I bought a new book prior to my surgery figuring I would have lots of time to read, except I haven’t really felt like reading and have only read about 80 pages of my book. It’s not something I was expecting to affect me following surgery. Hopefully it gets better and goes away soon. Needless to say, I haven’t exactly been able to wrap my brain around what to write about in my next blog. So, I decided to write about some of the issues that have been on my mind post surgery.

So technically I have one foot on the other side. I have my initial surgery behind me, but still have my exchange surgery yet to come. As a reminder, that’s the surgery that involves going back through the original incision site, removing my expanders and replacing them with silicone implants. It won’t be for another couple months still. One of the strangest things is to have the mastectomy finished. What I mean by that is that this was a long time coming. I found out about my BRCA1 mutation in April 2008 and from that moment on, I pretty much knew at some point I would be having a mastectomy. But I gave myself time. Time to think, ponder, research, discuss, soul search…you name it. So it’s different to be on the other side of things. Now instead of - I’m going to have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy because my breast cancer risk is almost 90%; it’s, I had a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy to reduce my risk of breast cancer to below normal population. “I’ve had a mastectomy.” Those words are still a bit awkward coming off my tongue. Not that I have any regrets, just that it’s almost surreal that all of this has already taken place. Prior to surgery everything feels like a huge waiting game. Waiting to see if you are positive for a mutation, waiting to discuss options with surgeons, scheduling appointment after appointment (whether for information, check-ups or preventative screenings), making well-informed thought out decisions, scheduling the surgery and then w a i t i n g for the surgery date to finally come. Now that the mastectomy is behind me, I can move forward with my life without constantly waiting for that breast cancer diagnosis.

It’s a very strange feeling physically, as well. I told my husband about two weeks post-op that it would be nice when I didn’t always “feel” my boobs. The expanders are behind my pectoral muscle stretching it in order to create a pocket for an implant to eventually sit. So the key word here is stretching. My PS apparently filled my expanders to the whopping 800cc that I was planning on being filled up to when all of my fills were complete. Normally, the expander is filled a bit during the initial surgery (my PS had originally said maybe she would be able to get 400cc or so in them at first) and then slowly filled every few weeks with usually 50-100cc each time. I guess since I did a skin-nipple-sparing surgery she wanted to fill out as much as she thought my muscle could take. Possibly in order to maintain the skin and not have it shrink and cause wrinkling and dimpling. Whatever the thought process, I am filled. There is a constant tightness and pulling on my chest, so I am always aware it’s there. It’s not something I could have imagined prior to the surgery. The expanders are also very hard themselves, so underneath a muscle and stretching it to its max makes the outer “interim” boobs feel solid, not soft and squishy like natural breasts. And it’s just a strange feeling. As my sweet husband keeps reminding me – it’s only temporary - at least the strange hardness, unevenness and outer “damage” that should be fixed by or healed before the exchange surgery.

I knew heading into this whole experience there would be unexpected outcomes, speed bumps, changes of plans and emotional and physical changes. However, everything I have to go through now is so worth what I am gaining – My LIFE. I can look toward the future and not feel like I am constantly waiting for a breast cancer diagnosis. I can know that I did everything in my power to protect myself from having to battle this terrible disease as so many brave, courageous women do. I constantly repeat back to myself the words my husband said to me right after my surgery, “You just saved your life.” He’s amazing and I love him so deeply for being my soul mate and knowing exactly how to help me through anything.

Here’s to a clear head, looking towards the future and silicone!

Aaaahhhhh Freedom

So today I am 11 days post-op. It is amazing the difference from last week to today. I am really only feeling tightness/stretching from the expanders and some pulling where the stitches are. I have some pain now and then in and around my breasts, but nothing like that first week. I know I said this on my last post, but it is amazing how the body heals itself!

I had my post-op appointment today with my plastic surgeon. It was a great appointment for many reasons. First, I got my drains removed! For those who want to know because they are trying to make their own surgery decisions or learn more about this surgery I will give a little detail. Sorry if it’s TMI for others who are supporting me by reading my blog – just want to give people as much info as possible if they are trying to make their own decisions! So, drains are placed during the surgery to remove excess blood, fluid etc from the surgical site and I believe I remember my surgeon saying it helps speed up the recovery process. Thin tubes are placed in the surgical site before they close up and the tubes exit the body through a small incision that has one or two sutures to hold the tube in place. The ends of the tubes have bulbs attached that create suction to withdraw the fluids. The drains have to be emptied about every 12 hours [thanks to hubby :) , but can be done by yourself ] and in order to be removed the amount of fluid draining has to be below a certain volume within 24 hours. The drains are not terrible and they’re not painful, just kind of annoying. It is a bit hard to find a place to “hide” them. I just had them pinned to the upper part of my surgical vest, but there are special bras made with places to hold them. I found myself a bit worried I would accidentally yank on the tube and cause a problem, but now that they were removed I see that it would have taken a pretty big tug to probably even budge the tube without having the sutures cut. So that’s a positive! It didn’t hurt to have them removed, but was just uncomfortable for the few seconds the plastic surgeon pulled them out after cutting the sutures. Overall, I am relieved to have them out and not have any other foreign objects protruding from my body. Now, no more IV’s, no weird tubes – well at least until my exchange surgery!

In addition, I received a phone call from my breast surgeon’s office. All of my pathology came back normal!! That was a huge relief because if I’m being totally honest, there was a part of me that truly thought they might actually find something, even if it was just really early stages, like precancerous. I know that’s not a good way to think, but obviously I didn’t think everything was always going to be hunky-dory or I wouldn’t have had the surgery. I didn’t think I already had cancer, but I did wonder about tissues beginning to show signs of turning on me. I am still 7 years away from when my mom found her breast cancer though, so I made my pre-emptive strike early enough. It was a wonderful feeling to know the results were good. That also meant there were no suspicious findings of the tissue that was directly under the nipples. The tissue removed from underneath the nipples was specially tagged for pathology to look at closely. If something suspicious was found then I would need to remove them too.

Additionally, my husband and I had about a thousand questions for the plastic surgeon today. She answered all of our questions and didn’t make us feel rushed or like we were being stupid. I really love my surgeons – they are both such wonderful women and so caring. As I mentioned in my last post, they really try to prepare you by telling you that your chest is going to look and feel like it got run over by a truck. They aren’t kidding. My skin ranged from all colors from yellow, gray, blue, purple, dark, dark purple and all colors in between! But each day it gets less and less. Also, I have a dark blue spot on my skin on the right side which was caused from dye they use to find and remove sentinel lymph nodes. Just to inform others, my doctor told me that it was nothing to worry about, but it does take a long time for the dye to fade.

Overall, I am so thankful to have my drains out and to be feeling better each day. I am regaining motion of my arms and shoulders and able to do more things for myself. That has been difficult to not be able to do things that are taken for granted when I am completely healthy, like brush and wash my own hair, or reach up for something on a shelf or even opening a car door (their heavier then you think!). But every day is an improvement from the next and I am so thankful I was healthy before the surgery so I am able to recover as quickly as I am. It’s a good day!

Until next time, here’s to no drains, washing your own hair and silicone!

Post-Op Update

So, I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted…since the night before my surgery. That night we didn’t get much sleep, but mostly because we chatted with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law and finished getting our stuff packed for the hospital. My surgery was scheduled for 7:30 am on Friday morning and we were supposed to check in at 5:30 am. I’m not exactly sure why that early because we had already taken care of all the necessary hospital paperwork, payments, etc. We got there right on time, got called back to a small room where we were asked more of the same questions (allergies, what I was there for, etc.). They had me change into a hospital gown, robe, tight stockings to help with circulation and non-slip socks. Then we waited and waited. Luckily I had my husband, his mom, my dad and one of my sisters to talk with and distract because I was just ready to start and it seemed to take forever for 7:30 to come around.

My breast surgeon came to say hi and made a mark or two with a purple marker close to my collar bone. Then the anesthesiologist came and after reading that I throw-up if given morphine (side note: they gave me morphine to help “move along” my labor with my first son…it didn’t work) and get nauseous if I take advil on an empty stomach, he decided to give me some pill to take prior to going under to help my tummy (it didn’t help, but more about that in a minute). Then my plastic surgeon came in and marked me up all over with a purple marker. She gave me a hug and then it was time. A nurse came to my room and walked me straight to the operating room. That was strange to me…I always figured they wheeled you in on a bed to the operating room – maybe just in the movies! It was super cold in there and the anesthesiologist made jokes about how it was too cold for him. They quickly covered me with warm blankets, wrapped things around the awesome stockings for circulation (to avoid clots) and started an IV. The nurses and anesthesiologist were so kind. The anesthesiologist kept calling me kiddo and explained everything as he went. He gave me something in my IV and said not to be alarmed if I felt a little dizzy. Promptly following that I felt dizzy, like the room was spinning. I remember saying something about how quick that started, then they put a mask over my mouth and nose, the nurses were both talking with me and holding my hands and that’s all I remember.

About 6 hours later my surgery was complete, unfortunately I woke up to terrible nausea. So bad in fact, it took them about 3 hours to get me out of the recovery room into my hospital room. They told my husband they gave me every anti-nausea medication possible. I just remember filling sooooooo sick, praying I wouldn’t throw up, and having the hardest time trying to keep my eyes open. The rest of that night did not go well unfortunately. As I said earlier, my tummy can’t handle morphine, so they were giving me something called dilaudid that just made me nauseous every time they pumped it into my IV. So not only did it make me feel terrible, it didn’t reduce my pain in the least. I don’t know if most women are in pain the first day or so or if it was just because I couldn’t take morphine and the other medication wasn’t working, but that first night was rough for me. If I am being completely honest, I did think “Why did I do this right now? I was healthy and in no pain and now I am having the most pain I’ve ever had and nothing is even diminishing my pain.” I am not saying this to discourage anybody. I just want to be perfectly honest. To my HUGE relief, when my plastic surgeon came in the next morning she suggested we try Toradal and Vicodin. Wow - something that reduced my pain and didn’t upset my stupid sensitive stomach!! Yay! It was such a sigh of relief to have the pain actually lessen. My breast and plastic surgeon said everything went great. My plastic surgeon said something about all of my bruising that made my husband and I laugh, “These are colors only a plastic surgeon would love.” She’s probably right, but thanks to all the women that shared their experiences before my surgery and my surgeons who were very honest beforehand, I was expecting my breasts to look like they were run over by a truck and they do! But the bright side is they look better and better every day.

It’s been 8 days since my surgery and I am doing great now besides feeling ridiculously tired most of the time. Today my pain is so little I have not taken a single Vicodin and have only taken Ibuprofen. It’s amazing what a week can do! The body is an amazing thing – what it can be put through and how it can heal itself…I’m so thankful to be healthy! My family and friends have been amazing through this. My mother-in-law is staying with us. She has been helping with the boys, cooking, cleaning, and anything I need. I honestly cannot thank her enough or show her how much we appreciate her help. My dad is coming to help if I still need it when she goes back home. My father-in-law just drove all the way here to help too and all of my sisters have been so caring and sweet! My sweet husband stayed with me every night in the hospital (I was released Monday) and has helped me get showers, wash my hair, and tend to my drains. Emotionally and mentally he has been my rock. The day after my first night when I had my “why?” thoughts I told my husband. His response? “Honey, you just did the bravest thing I have ever seen. You just saved your own life! ” He hasn’t even shuddered once when he’s seen the train wreck on my chest. As I wrote in my previous post – I am the luckiest – he is amazingly wonderful! I love him, love him!! :)

I don’t have any regrets and I am looking forward to life on the other side of surgery where I don’t have to worry about breast cancer. So far besides one tough night, things are looking brighter each day and I know I made the right decision.

Until next time, here’s to great surgeons, medication that works, and silicone!

Acts of Kindness

People in general are so kind and caring. It is amazing how understanding people have been when they learn about my decision to be proactive against my BRCA positive status. I even mean acquaintances that don’t really know me. I really expected to have at least a few reactions that I have read about other women receiving. Things like them saying, “But you don’t even have cancer,” or looking at me like I have lost my mind. But what has actually happened is every single person I have told has told me that they understand my decision and of course I have to do the surgery. I was honestly worried before I would discuss my surgery decision with others (besides my family). Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t go around announcing this to anyone and everyone. But I informed my son’s teacher so she would have a head’s up in case he was acting a bit emotional and to explain why I would not be picking him up and dropping him off for awhile like I always do. She was so sweet and wonderful. I am also thankful for how caring the ladies were who watch my youngest son when we go to the gym. My gym also has drop-off hours, and I had to take advantage of those so many times for all of my appointments during my decision process and surgery preparations. Those two women never once made me feel bad for having to drop my son off for an hour here, two hours there. And they always ask how the appointments go and how I am feeling. People are so kind.

There is a support group at my hospital for young breast cancer survivors. My genetic counselor suggested I attend one of the meetings and discuss my situation with the brave women attending. I went to one of the meetings when I was first making all of my decisions and arrangements. I also attended last night. These women are SO courageous and caring. First of all, I felt unworthy to be with them. I have never had to go through the pure hell all of them have. I did not want any of them to think, “What does she have to complain about? She doesn’t have cancer. She doesn’t know what we are going through.” However, my fear and worries were soooo unjustified. Many of the women shared their stories and feelings before it was my turn. And as I described my BRCA status, my family history and what I had decided to do – they were all nodding and listening intently. During my sharing, I pointed out that I knew I had it nowhere near as difficult as they had it and that I really appreciated them allowing me to listen and share. One of the woman spoke up and told me that she thought I had a more difficult decision to make because I didn’t already have cancer (and may not actually ever get it), but that for them they weren’t really given that opportunity. There were nods from the other women. I was stunned, because to me they are the brave, strong ones. The women gave me hugs after the meeting and told me I would be in their thoughts and prayers. I am so appreciative to them for sharing their experiences with me and listening and supporting me. These women are amazing and I am in total awe of their strength and love. People are so kind.

My family and friends have been so wonderful! I have had nothing but support from all of them. Friends have been so sweet listening and advising and sending their love. My sisters [all of them, I include my husbands :) ] have been very understanding and supportive. They all make sure I am doing ok and that I know how much they love me. My dad has been there for me since the day I found out I was BRCA1+. He knows me well enough, that he said, “So, it’s actually more a question of when, not if, you’re going to have the surgery, huh?” He was right on the mark. My husband’s parents have been just as great. In fact, my mother-in law is coming today to spend the next two weeks helping with the boys, helping around the house and helping me heal. She has been so wonderful. After I first told her my decision, she agreed it was the best decision for me and told me if I was ever having doubts or any fears to just give her a call and she would give me a pep talk. My strongest supporter is my husband. He is truly amazing! Honestly, I talk a little too much normally and he has had to listen and listen and listen these past months about surgery this and breast that and on and on. My fears, worries, concerns, questions, etc…he has worked through all of them with me. One day I apologized for BRCA babbling again, and he told me that it does not bother him. He said he knows that the surgery is all consuming right now and I should discuss anything with him because that is what he was for. I am sure everyone thinks their spouse is the best, but my husband really is! He is the most caring, loving, thoughtful, supportive, wonderful man. I can’t even begin to describe how much he means to me. We have been together for 14 years this fall and I can’t imagine my life without him. He is my best friend, my confidant, my love. He knows me better than anyone, sometimes better than I know myself! :) I love him more everyday! I am truly the luckiest woman in the world! Thank you everyone, for everything!

Tomorrow morning is the PBM surgery. It is the end of my natural breasts, the beginning of my new “foobs”, as many call them. The end of my waiting, the beginning of moving forward. It is the end of my fear and the beginning of my relief.

Until next time, when I am on the other side of my surgery, here’s to kindness, love and silicone.

Letters to the Boys

Well, I’m not meaning to post another sad blog, but there are some things I have been thinking about in order to prepare for surgery that aren’t exactly “happy thoughts”. Let me preface this by saying that I’m honestly not thinking the worst. However, I am also trying to make sure I have all of my bases covered. Hang in there with me; I promise the post finishes on a strong note! First, my husband and I have been thinking about paperwork stuff that needs to be taken care of prior to my surgery. Things such as, making sure we have enough life insurance and preparing a will. We haven’t started the will yet…actually it’s really something we should already have taken care of, but it’s not really one of those “fun” things to think about. Discussing crappy things like if both my husband and I were to die what would happen to our boys? Or if something were to happen during surgery that left me on life support, or brain dead, or… crappy, crappy, crappy…

Although the surgery preparation has been going on for months, it quickly became even more “real” a few weeks ago, with a conversation between my husband and I. I, of course, waited for the most appropriate time and place to share some of my thoughts with him…not. We were in a restaurant eating dinner with the boys, and when I was sure the boys weren’t paying attention to us, I asked him if he thought I should write letters to the boys, just in case something were to happen during surgery. I know, that seems like a dumb time to ask, but when is it ever a “good” time to ask a sad question like that? So I figured at least I would get the question out and off of my chest. Needless to say we both got too choked up to actually continue the conversation in the middle of the restaurant. It surprised me how asking the question out loud was more difficult than I expected. I had considered writing them letters for quite a while, but actually asking the question triggered more emotion than I could have ever anticipated.

Since then I have really been putting off writing the letters. I couldn’t even think of where to start. My guys are so little that I wasn’t sure what to write about. They are only 3 and 5 (well 6 next month) and I haven’t had the chance to see them grow up into young men or have tons of accomplishments that they would actually remember. If something were to happen now, would they even remember me? My oldest would have a few memories and my 3 year old probably only a couple. I mean when you think back on your life, how many memories do you actually have from when you were 3? Or 5? I don’t have enough memories from when I was those ages to feel satisfied with what the boys would, or rather wouldn’t, remember about me. But in reality this isn’t for me. It is for my sweet, silly boys. I wrote the letters yesterday and it was not as bad as I anticipated it to be. I wrote to them separately and I wrote about all of the wonderful traits they already have. For instance, how my older son is so sweet and caring towards others. The other day at the park he saw a little girl crying and asked her what was wrong, but she didn’t answer him. He didn’t know what to do so he told me a little girl was crying over by the climbing wall and he didn’t know what was wrong with her. I walked over there with him and we made sure she was ok and after that he asked her if she would like to play soccer with him and his new soccer ball. He is so thoughtful. My younger son is just so silly and sweet. First, he always picks me flowers. If he sees a flower, usually the dandelions that grow in our grass, he darts for it, picks it and says, “Pretty flower for Mommy!” He also loves being silly. If he does something that makes my husband and I crack-up, he just keeps at it to make us laugh even harder and longer! The other thing about both of them is that they are both soooo much like my husband and I in the sense of humor department. My husband and I are both VERY sarcastic and crack jokes to each other and the boys all of the time. We all like to act silly and make each other laugh! Those are such wonderful times when we are all laughing so hard! I SO LOVE my boys (all 3, my husband too!)!

So instead of making the letters sad, I made them about the boys and how truly amazing they are already. I told them stories like the ones mentioned above and others to let them see themselves through my eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those moms who thinks her boys do no wrong and everything is always hunky-dory. But now is not the time to focus on how hard and frustrating being a mom can be at times. I am actually very proud of myself for finally writing the letters and for giving the boys a glimpse of themselves through their mother’s eyes at these wonderful ages. That is, of course, only if the letters are even needed. As I said earlier, that is not something I am really considering. If I thought my risk of dying from this surgery was great I would never even consider it. I mean, duh! I am doing this to save my life and spend a long and healthy life with my husband and boys. I WILL live to be over 50 years old, unlike my mother, my grandmother and my great-grandmother! So even though some tough things had to be thought about and talked through recently, in the end this is a positive decision for myself and my family.

My surgery is a week from today and this time next week I will be in my hospital room finally done (well more like started! It’s still a long process, but you get the point). I am still nervous about the surgery, how I will handle the pain, being able to let everyone else do all the things I usually take care of, what the results will be like, etc, etc. But I am ready.

Until next time, here’s to memories, silliness and silicone!